My Greatest Conflict: This One's for the Girls

There’s a fine balance.

Let’s take it back, all the way to the 6th grade.

Awkward was my middle name; being a tall, gangly, pre-pubescent was my game.

I was quiet. Too quiet. The boys thought I was cute and the girls could smell blood in the water. I wanted so desperately to fit in. But I didn’t know who I was, so I didn’t know where I fit. So, I got owned. Like all the time.  People made fun of me. People laughed at all my awkward and I probably helped a little too.

And then it happened. The switch flipped and that summer before going into 7th grade I said, “No more!” Slamming my fist on the table causing my milk to slosh onto my freshly toasted pastry strudel. 

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I wasn’t going to let what other people thought of me make me feel like I couldn’t be myself.

I wasn’t going to follow. I was going to lead. Dun dun dunnnn.

It was that moment I decided that I was going to embrace my goofiness for all it was worth. I was going to let my wittiness shine through. I was going to be edgy, but not edgy enough to get in trouble.

If something embarrassing happened to me I was going to own it because it was funny and besides, what else was I going to do? Hide? That’s boring.

It was then that I started to have fun. Life was fun. I was fun. And I wanted other people to have fun, too.

But soon came the source of my conflict; I really loved God.

God and I, we’ve always been pretty serious. My relationship with Him is everything.

I’ve always loved scripture and I’ve always wanted to share it with others, but by fully embracing my inner goof ball, I’ve often wondered if anyone else would take me seriously.

This is my ongoing struggle. Am I too “fun” (aka too “shallow”) to have anything to say or am I too spiritual to be any fun?

I want to tell you about all the embarrassing things that happen to me and I want you to laugh because life is hilarious. When you laugh, you let your guard down and it’s then I can look you in the eye and tell you how much God loves you.

I know I could just tell you God loves you, but there’s something about being vulnerable that is beautiful. I guess what I’m trying to say is that God loves me, even the most embarrassing parts of me.

But sometimes I struggle with getting from Point A to Point B without crossing the line and then, I’m scared I’m going to lose your respect. I’m 31 and I still have so much to learn about who I am, about who God is calling me to be.

I know I have something to offer. The Bible tells me that much.

The older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things— that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
— Titus 2:3-5

As women, how do we embrace who we are in a way that’s pleasing to the Lord?

Can I still be “discreet” and funny and REAL at the same time? Does God want me to be boring? Because on the surface, someone might think that’s what these verses say, "Make sandwiches for your man. Do what he says and be boring."

Someone who sees the Bible as a suppressive rule book rather than the living Word might think this verse is putting women in a box. Basically, you can be this and nothing else. But if you read Proverbs 31 you know that’s not the case at all. Maybe we’ll tackle all of these nuances at another time.

Let’s move on.

There are two young ladies that I love so much and I am so thankful they call me friend. I am older than them, married with 2 kids, while they're both still single.

We were hanging out and I guess I wanted them to think I was cool, so I was trying to act cool. *Cringe.* Its like I’m back in 6th grade, except instead of being too quiet, I’m too loud and just as immature.

I needed to remember that just because I think of something funny doesn’t mean it needs to be said.

How was I supposed to know if I’d gone too far?

Because the Holy Spirit lives in me, all I had to do was follow the conviction. I was so bothered that I couldn’t get to sleep that night. I wasn’t sure what to do.  

I couldn’t back pedal and be all pious when we interacted from that point on. That would make things so weird. And that’s not the kind of weird I want to be.  

Do you see my conflict?

I only saw one solution. And it wasn’t easy. It was hard. Really hard.

I apologized.

I said I was sorry because I’m supposed to be the example.

I was the one who decided that instead of following, I would lead. Sometimes leading means you admit when you’re wrong or you could do better. (Tweet This)

I know, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can figure out the balance between my fun-loving side and my Jesus-loving side. I can be an example of a happy, loving wife; an out-going, roll-on-the-ground-with-your-kids mom, and everything that goes with that.

I think we all experience the same conflict on some level. But we have to remember there aren’t parts of us that have to be mutually exclusive.

I can be fun and I can be serious about my relationship with God at the same time. I can laugh and tell all the embarrassing stories I want, all the while listening to that still, small voice who tells me when to rein it in because I want to please the Lord.

I also know that I won’t get it right all the time and sometimes, I probably will have to apologize because, I’m just that crazy.

Just you ever feel like there are parts of you that are conflicted? What are they? Are you ever afraid of being taken too seriously or not seriously enough? Does Titus 2 challenge you like it challenges me?

Chances are, the very things about you that seem in conflict, are actually meant to compliment each other. (Tweet This)

God doesn’t want you to forget who you are, as if to become someone else. He wants to sanctify who you are so you can be all that He ever meant for you to be.


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